Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
