a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
