yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
