I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
