I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize