Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
