Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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