I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
