I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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