Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
