Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i now understand why vodka
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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