Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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