She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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