My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
