Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
