I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
