i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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