Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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