Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
