Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
