Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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