my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
