I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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