I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
