I can't watch pbs sober anymore
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well I just put wine in my tea
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
