stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
