I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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