You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
