Dual....:-)
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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