Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just threw up on my dentist
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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