I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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