Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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