I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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