life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
