i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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