I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
