We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
