Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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