From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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