my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
