I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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