if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
