Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
