seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
