New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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