I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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