How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
