last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
