I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
