I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
