I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
