The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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