Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
