Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
