So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
