Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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