I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
