dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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