Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
