I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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