I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
