batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
