Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
