a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
