Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
