i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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