I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
