mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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