Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
