Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
