I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize