I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
