turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
