i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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