Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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